Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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