I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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