after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
