i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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