Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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