rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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