so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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