I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
