when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
