it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
it hurts more in the daytime
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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