I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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