life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
