The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
