please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
