My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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