i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
