Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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