I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
We need a shit load of segways right now
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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