Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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