mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
