just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
