kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
