Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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