my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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