You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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