Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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