when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
