I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
