and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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