i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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