God gave him joint rollers for hands
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
