Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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