my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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