Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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