...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
