Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
