I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
