1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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