FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Green mimosas i think yes
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
