i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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