and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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