i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
