I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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