Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
