so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
