Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
