lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
