Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
