Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
