I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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