im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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